One of the lessons I’ve learned most as an editor (especially of my own writing/podcasting) is knee-jerk reactions and creating from a space of anger or extreme emotion is messy.
Not necessarily bad or good.
But messy.
If you’ve ever left a reactive comment on something posted on social media, and then deleted it afterward, you might be familiar with this.
A few years ago, I did a diet & weight loss podcast with a podcasting friend who was starting intermittent fasting at the same time I was. For about 2 years, we met weekly and went Live in our Facebook group to talk about our progress, then we’d release the audio as a podcast.
The show is called Hate to Weight — and for those following me now, it's less body-neutral than I am now. I rarely talk about intermittent fasting and intuitive eating, though I still do it for myself. At the time I was recording it, I was still dealing with a lot of internalized fatphobia, some unhealthy eating habits, and twisted mindsets about eating.
I originally started this blog with the idea it would be more focused on Adenomyosis. But as my condition has progressed over the years, I found I don't enjoy my writing when I'm in the throes of dealing with it all. Not only is the pain distracting and makes it difficult to concentrate, but I just come across sounding like a grumpy, self-deprecating, angry little gnome and/or my self-esteem is so in the toilet that everything I make or do never seems good enough or worthy of posting.
But this last period, I started drafting this list of things I was grateful for instead. And upon re-reading it now when my period is on her way out and the feel-good chemicals are hitting my brain again, I was even able to edit out some of that grumpy gnome who takes over my writing voice.
6 things getting me through this terrible period:
Happy Skate-aversary to me! 2 years ago today I was in a funk I've come to know over the years as March Sucks.
This is the point of the winter when I am just done with blah weather and general busyness with seemingly no end in sight. My Seasonal Affective Disorder is usually at its annual high, and I'm craving any drop of serotonin and/or dopamine I can get, it seems.
Despite being diagnosed with Adenomyosis two years ago and living with it for even longer, sometimes my cramps still take me by surprise. I know to expect them during my period so as soon as PMS sets in, I’m usually ready with my heating pad and CBD. But because Adeno affects the uterus all month long, I tend to feel pain and cramps starting around ovulation and lasting through the rest of my cycle until my period ends.
For those who may be unfamiliar with the female menstrual cycle, that’s about 3 weeks out of the month when my uterus is painful and uncomfortable.
Ever wake up wanting to talk to someone and have them tell you everything is going to be alright? If words of affirmation are your love language, you may know exactly what I'm talking about.
Since losing a friend earlier this year, I've been finding a lot of comfort thinking about what she might say if she were still with us. She was so supportive of everyone in our friend circle, and she could be counted on to hype anyone up if they needed it. I picture her enthusiastic smile and how she would probably say something like, "Emily, stop spending so much time being sad and go live your life happily! Enjoy your kids, make more podcasts, and write another book already!"
It’s been about 3 weeks since writing my post about some recent weight gain and my feelings about it and here’s an update.
I got on the scale for the 2nd time since that post and found I was down 4 pounds! After coming off a particularly uncomfortable period that included a lot of water retention, it was a relief to wake up today feeling better and well enough to get on the scale.
CW: DIETING, WEIGHT-LOSS
It’s been about 3 weeks since writing my post about some recent weight gain and my feelings about it and here’s an update.
I got on the scale for the 2nd time since that post and found I was down 4 pounds! After coming off a particularly uncomfortable period that included a lot of water retention, it was a relief to wake up today feeling better and well enough to get on the scale.
CW: DIETING, WEIGHT-LOSS
This post is an excerpt from my journal. I got on the scale to see a higher number than I was used to and I found myself spiraling a bit and letting the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee in my head run amok before finally deciding to journal it out and see if there was a logical explanation and get curious about it.
Some Background: I hosted a weight-loss comedy podcast called Hate to Weight where I lost 100 pounds while working with an eating coach and becoming familiar with intermittent fasting and intuitive eating. The show went on indefinite hiatus a few months into the pandemic because my cohost and I decided to go into maintenance mode, plus our time became more and more limited to work on our own podcast.
Excerpt:
For most of the pandemic, I stayed within a certain weight range and even lost an additional 10 pounds in 2021 without really changing much.
Fast forward to June of 2022 and I found myself this morning on the scale looking at a number about 20 pounds higher than this same time last year.
I'm not reacting very body-positive or body-neutral, which is what I've been trying to shift more toward. But I'm not exactly happy to see a much higher number than I’ve been used to since 2020 either. This is the highest my weight has been in 2 years and I'm having some big feelings I'm working through.
Every January, I’m tempted to hop on board the health and wellness marketing train along with others starting their New Year’s Resolutions. I can’t help it. It’s like how after being out of school for 13 years, I still want to buy new pencils and notebooks every September. I’m trying to be more conscious of consumerism and how marketing contributes to these waves of interests, but sometimes I like to get swept up in it.
This January, even though I initially wanted to put some focus on my health and re-evaluate some things, instead I decided to focus on something that actually benefited us as a family. My husband, Mark, and I have been letting the pandemic be our excuse for ordering out and getting drive-thru a lot more in the last two years. But with prices rising and our growing boredom with the usual places around us, I had the idea to challenge both me and Mark to cook at home more.
Sometimes I get embarrassed talking about yoga and how much I love it. A lot of people have very strong opinions of yoga I’ve found. I also get a lot of up-and-down looks when I say that I do daily yoga as if someone who does daily yoga should look a certain way, which I do not.
Sometimes people jump to the conclusion that I’m going to talk about how yoga is the be-all, end-all cure for everything. For the record, I try to stay away from that kind of talk about anything — I truly believe people need to search for what works best for them for their health.
One night a few weeks before the holidays I was exhausted after spending loads of time with our youngest who had announced that morning that he was sick — every parent’s worst nightmare to wake up to.
I was mentally exhausted, but after sitting through the editing of two podcasts that day, I knew I needed to move around. I decided to roller skate for a little while to get some practice in and give myself a bit of a mental break, like skating always does. As I stretched and warmed up by doing my usual yoga routine, I noticed I was feeling a bit wobbly.
As someone who’s struggled with my weight my whole life, I have had times when I was a slave to the scale and it’s only been recently when I have been able to answer truthfully that I forget to get on the scale unless something feels off.
When I was doing the podcast Hate to Weight and actively pursuing weight loss as a goal, I was stepping on weekly to update my cohost and our audience with my progress. We made it a very big point on the show that the numbers and the scale didn’t matter — that said, it was something my cohost, John, and I both thought was important to talk about on the show since that was our original goal.