Me on my way to a Fairy Hair party. I can see my face has gotten fuller since last year. I’m learning to be OK with it. Not body-positive, but body-neutral, as in, “yup, that’s a thing that happened, there are reasons. What does this really mean to me?”
CW: DIETING, WEIGHT-LOSS
This post is an excerpt from my journal. I got on the scale to see a higher number than I was used to and I found myself spiraling a bit and letting the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee in my head run amok before finally deciding to journal it out and see if there was a logical explanation and get curious about it.
Some Background: I hosted a weight-loss comedy podcast called Hate to Weight where I lost 100 pounds while working with an eating coach and becoming familiar with intermittent fasting and intuitive eating. The show went on indefinite hiatus a few months into the pandemic because my cohost and I decided to go into maintenance mode, plus our time became more and more limited to work on our own podcast.
Excerpt:
For most of the pandemic, I stayed within a certain weight range and even lost an additional 10 pounds in 2021 without really changing much.
Fast forward to June of 2022 and I found myself this morning on the scale looking at a number about 20 pounds higher than this same time last year.
I'm not reacting very body-positive or body-neutral, which is what I've been trying to shift more toward. But I'm not exactly happy to see a much higher number than I’ve been used to since 2020 either. This is the highest my weight has been in 2 years and I'm having some big feelings I'm working through.
It's shaking my confidence in Intermittent Fasting and Intuitive Eating. Is one or the other finally not working? I’m worried I’m going to remove or restrict the food freedom I’ve enjoyed for more than 4 years doing both.
Things I need to remember — and I had even forgotten a few of these until I sat down to journal about them:
I picked up the habit of Dunkin' Donuts a lot over the winter. It warmed me up and I told myself not to regret it. It was actually the dopamine that got me through some tough dark days. The habit continues and I happened to eat a lot of donuts yesterday + an iced coffee.
I'm getting older and weight happens.
Let's be honest with ourselves — I've kept that eating window open longer more frequently because of stress, the timing of meals, and busy schedules. I haven't been as rigid with my 6-hour eating window over the winter.
I won't gain back 100 pounds I lost overnight. It's not possible.
My Adenomyosis makes me bloat, plus I’ve had extra cramps the past few days so I wouldn't be surprised if the inflammation and bloating were adding some weight.
My clothes still fit. I have a range of sizes I can fit into still. I am not going to grow out of all my clothes any time soon.
I haven’t been roller skating as often and I wouldn’t be surprised if losing that daily workout contributed.
Mark and I got into the habit of having cookies in the fridge and they become a quick source of dopamine. We call them our Fridge Cookies and there are some days I’ve mindlessly comfort-eaten 4-5 when 2 would have sufficed.
I didn't gain 20 pounds overnight and I don't expect to lose it overnight.
But now that I'm on this body-neutral kick, do I attempt to lose weight? I'm drawn to it but how much of it is habit?
Honestly, I don't like the physical feeling of the extra weight on me. I can feel the extra weight and it makes me feel slower, which I don't like. I know I won't always have the speed of my youth, but I would like to not wake up bloated and wanting to move at a sloth's pace because anything faster is almost a shock to the system.
So it's not so much the weight but the feeling of the weight. It's slowing me down and I want to feel like I did when I was in my 20 pounds lighter, to be honest.
Before, 20 pounds lighter:
Yoga felt easy and almost boring. Not much of a challenge.
I enjoyed my range of motion more.
I woke up with more energy
I enjoyed looking at pictures of my face more (internalized fatphobia to still work through)
Now:
I've been enjoying life and enjoying the sweeter foods more frequently
I feel more sluggish and it's harder to move
I don't go for exercise as quickly and it's more like a chore
I don't like my clothes feeling tighter
What am I going to do?:
Cut back on Dunkin’ Donuts
Don't deny, don't restrict, just CUT BACK A BIT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS (this is me reminding my ADHD brain that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, which has lead to diet-restrict-fail-binge-repeat cycles for me in the past. I’m over all that, thanks.)
Maybe keep it to 1-2x a week
I don't always need a donut AND munchkins
Hold back on the munchkins — just because I'm the only one in the house who likes jelly or tolerates the new cornbread munchkin doesn't mean I need to eat THEM ALL.
Maybe hide the app on my phone for a while — getting that app contributed to this habit for me, but I don't want to remove it completely because I like earning free coffee!
That said, watch the sugary drinks. The sweet cold foam has been hard to resist!
Limit fridge cookies to 1-2 a day. Find new dopamine source for those moments?
Adding Something
When taking away something, I know I’m more likely not to feel deprived when I can add something.
One change to my diet that I don't think contributed to the weight gain but is worth mentioning is that I'm trying something new (for me) lately — smoothies. It’s actually been a nice addition to my afternoons and helps me avoid that afternoon slump I was using Dunkin’ Donuts for, actually.
I like getting the fruits and veggies from them because I never feel like I'm getting enough at meals. I heard about how hydrating they are on the podcast Wellness While Walking (Episodes 124/125 with Dr. Dana Cohen. Here’s the two-part episode: Part 1 and Part 2) and have been trying to incorporate them as daily as I can.
I avoided smoothies in the past for two reasons: The first was after being on the Trim Healthy Mama diet, I avoided anything with too much fruit or anything juice-like or juice-related. It's so funny after 5 years, I'm still uncovering dusty old diet rules that I've been subconsciously living under, even when I don't subscribe to the diet anymore.
The second reason I avoided smoothies was a texture thing but I didn't know what it was exactly. I found I liked smoothies at first, but after about 5 minutes, I tend to get sick of them and they lose their appetizing appeal.
I couldn't figure out why until the second day of trying to incorporate more smoothies into my habits when the only yogurt we had were those flip-top yogurts with the toppings on the side.
I decided to skip the yogurt that day and when I blended the fruits, veggies, ice and juice, I realized I prefered my smoothie more like a slushie!
It turns out, it was the yogurt that seemed to be included in every smoothie recipe that made me not enjoy them. (Now it makes sense why I've never had a taste for lassis at Indian restaurants when everyone else would rave about them.)
So I decided to throw out another "rule" I didn't realize I was following. The "Smoothies MUST have a protein source" rule is gone from my head.
That tiny change made all the difference. I can slurp down a huge smoothie now because I enjoy the little ice shards so much more and I don't miss the creaminess the yogurt gives smoothies at all. (I'm sure in the health and wellness space, there are plenty of smoothie-purists who would yell at the screen why it's not a "real" smoothie or something. If that's the hill they want to die on, ok 🤷🏼♀️)
Final Thoughts
Journaling about all this really helped slow down my racing mind when I saw the number on the scale and I'm even thinking of posting this to my blog. I still have listeners from Hate to Weight who follow me and I'm sure they wouldn't mind an update, especially like this because it's so relatable to anyone on a health journey and battling old diet scars and relearning what health and wellness means to them.
I'm also trying hard to turn my head away from the diet-industry marketing this spring/summer trying to give everyone FOMO about getting their beach bodies ready, as well as the sensational headlines on magazine stands calling out celebrities for their weight gain and natural aging (how in 2022? Seriously?). On top of outdated diet advice, I'm glad to leave those publications and people who think celebrity weight/bodies are their business behind.
This post is a bit of an update and maybe the kick-off post to something else. I don't know yet if I'll be posting photos — I have a weird relationship with weight-loss before/after photos. But we'll see what happens 🙂
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