I published my blog last night. I'm oddly not nervous at all. It's my corner of the internet I created for me and those who may find my story helpful.
I bought the domain emilyoutloud.com and forwarded it to the site for now. And I put the link on my links page for my bio, though I haven’t announced anything formally yet.
I actually want to get a few more posts up before saying anything, but I am excited to have it be as established as it is! In fact, like most other things I start doing, I’d rather have a soft launch for a while. Maybe someone will find it and send a nice DM about it. But for now, it’s a little Easter Egg for someone to find if they click the link in my social media bios.
If you’re reading this right now in November of 2021, thank you for taking a chance on a new blog 🙂
Since yesterday ended up being more of a Self Care Day, I gave myself some time to indulge in writing. I wrote one post, and then went to make some notes on an outline I was working on and ended up finishing a second post! It felt great!
I need to remember this feeling. It feels GOOD to write for others and post my thoughts out into the world! I re-read my coming out post and can only hope someone reads it who maybe has been struggling with similar feelings and feels validated!
Photo: Sticky note that says "If I died tomorrow, I'd want my blog to be published. So why not publish it tonight??? NOW ⭐"
I was doing yoga last night at the end of my late-night, four-hour writing marathon when I had a thought pop into my head that was so profound, I had to stop my stretching to go to another room so I could find a sticky note to write it on.
In my messy, late-night handwriting, I scribbled “If I died tomorrow, I’d want my blog to be published. So why not publish it tonight??? NOW” with a star as a flourish at the bottom.
By the way, if you’re reading this and thinking of a project you’ve been craving in your life, feel free to borrow this sticky note idea.
The podcast idea you’ve been thinking about, the book you know you can write that no one else can, the screenplay you’ve been noodling around in your head for a few years.
One of my favorite podcasting friends, Nichole Banks is an Accountability Coach and she introduced me to the phrase, “if not now, when?”
Because, seriously, we never know when our last day will be. The past few years have been a lesson in that, especially.
I had already pressed publish and was feeling waves of doubt thrashing about in my head. I had a lot of pep talk in my head ready to combat a lot of those doubts.
When my doubt would say, "what happens if someone finds it while you're sleeping and has opinions?"
I would answer it with, "that's what the internet is for. Publishing without that minimal expectation would be naive of me. I know what I'm doing. I will make mistakes and I’ll deal with them as they come."
When my doubt would say, "What about spelling and grammar? Are you sure you don't want to reread all those entries over again and THEN press publish?"
I answered, "I HAVE edited them already and haven't published anything that's the 1st draft. I know I need an editor for my work. I’ve learned that the hard way over and over again. I’m OK with it. Besides, I'll be able to edit them again when I create a podcast based on the episodes."
When doubt said, "but you'll NEVER EVER have time to podcast again! Why kid yourself?! It hasn't happened in months, why even work toward this? You have to make money and your job needs to take precedent. Can that just be enough podcasting for you? Working behind the scenes pays well and you could spend this time and energy building that business more!"
I stopped, smiled, and thought, "Oh, sweet Doubt. I know you're trying to protect me. You're worried that my creativity needs to create income in order for it to be worthy of sharing. You see those in the same industry taking the path to scaling their businesses, but that's not for me. At least for right now.
"I enjoy it and it's fun for me. A lot of my job lights me up — the business side and the scaling does not. I like doing the work and I love the contract work being as flexible as it is.
"But you're forgetting that I have had a fairly steady stream of passive income from my podcast and book! It's not much, but it's steady without me having to do much. In fact, it's a wonderful feeling to be getting laid years after putting in so much work that brought me joy.
"I don't necessarily want to keep doing that podcast or write another book like that. In fact, I now look at that experience as practice in storytelling. And I must have gotten pretty good at it to be nominated for a Webby, recognized as a leader in the podcasting industry, and be a published author!
"It's time to stop trying to follow the path that looks like the obvious choice and go with the ACTUAL obvious choice.
We're writing and publishing this blog, babe 😘 because if I died tomorrow, I would want someone to publish it, I truly would."
I am a writer. I love writing. It's as simple as that. I love living my life and writing about it for others. Mostly to help it make sense to me, but in the process, I hope it can act as a guide for others who may be going through similar situations.
In this case, I would hope the algorithm and SEO would be on my side when someone Googles something I may be able to help them with.
I have no expectations that this will turn into something. But I know I feel joy working on it and I’m ready to be myself out loud. (Of course, the actual “out loud” part will come later when I’m ready to take the next step and turn this into a podcast — but one step at a time! I only just pressed publish.)
Going back to an ongoing theme this year, what if that premonition I had about dying at 38 came true? What was once just something I thought of as a silly little flash of a thought I had once when I was 12 became a little bit scary when I actually turned 38 in the midst of a global pandemic.
It didn't bother me obviously until this year. And though 90% of me doubts the actual validity of it, the fact that I never forgot about it keeps the thought swirling around my head and probably verging on tormenting me at times now.
It's what drove me to learn to roller skate — it was the most beautiful movement a human could do, I thought, and probably the closest to flying I would want to feel. I loved how it looked and I loved the idea of a dance I could learn from the convenience of my own home and without the judgmental eyes of others.
But then again, it also made me embrace my body as it is. Another benefit of thinking you may die soon is realizing aging is a magnificent process. I’ve actually enjoyed watching my natural white hair come in. I have a streak currently starting to make an appearance from my right temple back that started growing in May when life seemed to get extra stressful with the loss of a friend and my mom going into the hospital.
This unfounded fear was what pushed me to do the Rocky Horror Roller Show — I wanted to be in one more show or performance. I missed musical theater and performing on stage so much.
I also found myself a little braver to have open conversations with people close to me — what if this was the last time I saw them or talked to them? I tried to leave most interactions positively, even the little ones, like giving compliments to those working the registers of stores and drive-thrus.
I used to say I couldn’t wait to live to be old and cranky so I could finally tell everyone what I really thought of them. But I realized that most people I hold grudges for, I have no way of knowing when I’ll ever see them again.
One of my favorite quotes is “holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” So I decided to do what I could this year to let go of grudges and forgive people on my own. I remember that forgiving people doesn’t mean what they did was OK, but it does mean I don’t have to revisit that thought or memory. I can live the rest of my life enjoying the people and experiences of the moment.
It's been quite a way to live my life this year. And it's only been 7 months since I turned 38!
And now the fear is what if I die before having one more book/podcast/creative project?
Somehow when I think about that, the 10% of me that still questions if my premonition from 26 years ago has any merit gives me enough of a push to keep going.
In fact, it’s hard to argue with that 10% since I can’t fully prove it wrong until I turn 39!
It's been an odd motivator, but if I've learned one thing from skating this year, it's to roll with it.
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