I'm bed with the heating pad and smoking weed (legal in CT) to help with stabby cramps around my uterus that stretch around to my lower back and radiate down my legs and up my spine. After having Adenomyosis for so long, I’m oddly used to dealing with pain the week of my period and ovulation, and anything else during the other two weeks of the month is considered a “flare.”
It's been difficult to concentrate when my brain is at least 40% occupied with "What is happening?! We're in pain down where babies come from?! What danger is this?!"
I can only assume if pain and confusion had a dialogue, that would be it.
“Adenomyosis — A condition where cells grow in the lining of the uterus that aren’t supposed to be there. It can cause heavy, painful periods; chronic pelvic pain; stomach discomfort; and a lot of other not-so-fun stuff.”
The heating pad offers a soothing and comforting relief — or, at least it gives that area a different sensation to focus on, I imagine. The weed slows down my reaction to the pain as a threat and gives my brain the space to remember this is “only” Adenomyosis flare.
It's not an external threat, so my flight-or-flight response can relax.
But, relax? Even if I can relax the pain in my uterus, it’s harder to relax my brain as someone who owns her own business and what’s known in the space as a solopreneur. Everything in my business is up to me. Sure, my boss (me) is cool if an employee (me) calls out. She’s flexible and a pretty easy going manager, if I do say so myself.
But the ingrained idea that I need to be doing something productive is still there.
After lots of inner work and journaling, I have learned to separate productivity from worth. But, of course it’s still difficult with things like bills looming and holidays around the corner.
There seems to be a popular notion that Hustle culture should be celebrated, at least in capitalist America as far as I can tell. Burnout is not only common but somehow became seen as an inevitable step to success.
If people have to burn the midnight oil to get ahead, you're promoting a culture of burnout.
— Adam Grant (@AdamMGrant) June 28, 2021
Sacrificing family, friends, health & hobbies isn't a badge of honor. It's a sign of an unhealthy workplace.
In healthy cultures, people have lives beyond work.https://t.co/5ivNdCnGym pic.twitter.com/zkbC5UX8ps
Folks like those at The Nap Ministry and Adam Grant are pushing back and I’m personally glad to see it.
I wasn't expecting this flare of Adenomyosis, though looking back I'm sure I could find some possible causes — I have had a lot more sugar in the past few days, since it was Halloween after all.
As much as I'd love to say I know a lot more about myself after working hard to get healthy and losing over 100 pounds in the last few years — and yet there's a part of me that will still indulge in special treats.
Well, this is just another lesson that Adenomyosis doesn't take holidays. It has its own agenda, though if I were to speak directly to my Adenomyosis, I would say, "Hey Babe, look, I can eat well for like 90% of the holidays, but Halloween is not one of them. Allow me to give you some time off that week. And, you know what, throw in the week of my birthday at the end of April, so you get two weeks six months apart! Sound good?"
And then I remember you can't bargain with Adenomyosis.
So I've learned to keep white space in my schedule for days like this. It's weird to say that's helped me actually accomplish more, but it has.
My impulsive, people-pleaser side loves to say yes — it feels good and I’m usually in dopamine heaven from someone telling me their idea or pitch. Because we're all essentially in marketing, if you can make it sound good and mutually beneficial, it’s hard for me to say no.
Getting into the entrepreneur space, it was difficult to distinguish actual friends from those who wanted to build their network. The latter, I'm a bit apathetic toward at this point, and I learned to keep the real Hustlers who Hustled at arm's length very quickly.
But now, I've learned not to say yes unless I have looked at my schedule AND my period tracker. Doing so also allows me extra time to process what's being asked of me and allow those doubts to come up.
The thing with doubts I’ve found is they can be useful! As long as you know to throw away about 98% of them.
But the 2% of doubts for me tend to include "can I do this on a day with a flare? What's my exit strategy if I have to bail? Is this person close enough I know they would understand? Have I discussed uterus stuff with this person before? Am I comfortable doing so?"
Those are useful doubts for me to consider before agreeing to do whatever it is being asked of me.
Getting an unpredictable condition such as Adenomyosis meant having to prioritize who had access to me, and how much of myself and my energy I could safely predict I would have for the project.
It’s meant not just saying I was prioritizing myself health when it came to the number on the scale or how my clothes fit, but really taking stock of how my body was responding to the world.
I’m grateful to be in a position where if I need a day off unexpectedly, I most likely can. I’m also grateful my Adenomyosis flares aren’t too often and the pain usually comes in waves so I’m already planning to do more work when this current wave of pain subsides. But these unexpected mornings spent in bed instead of in my office are good times of reflection for me and remind me that taking care of my health includes rest.
Some mantras that helped me:
It all gets done eventually.
We are not what we do and accomplish.
I give myself grace to rest when I need to.
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