Here’s the 11-year-old and 5-year-old helping with our bedroom redo project for our 11-year-old. A lot of last month’s decluttering challenge was spent in here getting ready for this.
I hate that I have a least favorite month, but March seems to be the most unlucky for me. This year was no different.
I found out a few days into the month that a good friend had passed away. She was part of a years’-long group text with 6 or 7 friends from my hometown. It’s been absolutely earth shattering for all of us. In the weeks that followed, we saw one another at the funeral and have been staying in touch with one another to check in and support one another as we heal. It hasn’t been easy.
I learned one thing about writing, whether it’s for a blog post, social media post, or in general — don’t write from the pain. It’s messy, it’s raw, it’s reactive, and nine times out of 10, I want to delete it and never show it to the world. I think we all have those parts of ourselves, especially when going through something heartbreaking like losing a friend.
Aside from working on the 11-year-old’s room to get it ready for a new bed, I took a break from my decluttering challenge and from writing about it. Instead, I’ve focused mostly on going through the grieving process.
At the end of 2021, I wrote a post about the lessons I learned about friendship that year. I lost a few friends that year and have still felt raw about those.
I used to think break-ups and losing romantic partners was the worst thing. I was wrong. It’s losing friends and the friendships that break my heart the most and leave the biggest scars.
In the last few years, I’ve lost touch with a few formerly close friends. I haven’t written about it at all because it’s incredibly painful for me. I hate that I no longer talk to them on a regular basis and I think about them often.
Finding out a dear friend died was like the pain of being ghosted (literally?) but with a sense of permanence. And as much as I miss my friend, the fact that there is a sense of permanence to it has made the ghosting of this friend a little easier to mentally deal with. Is that wrong to say? It doesn’t make the grief itself easier, but it gives the friendship at least a logical ending, making that Acceptance stage a bit easier to work toward.
As I mentioned, I’ve taken a break from the decluttering project for the time being. Grief is exhausting and I’ve been finding myself falling asleep on the couch a lot more and needing to rest and recharge more. Going through memories and the past was something I did a lot of this month while working on memorializing my friend in a video montage for my friends. As I mentioned last month, decluttering can be exhausting and going through old memories can be a lot. I didn’t expect to really learn that lesson the way I did this month.
I haven’t decided if Skatepril (the month-long roller-skating challenge I did last year) will be a thing for me again. I’m just not feeling like skating lately. I’ve been getting into new and different music that I wouldn’t mind skating to, but the time and energy just isn’t fully there.
I’m giving myself a lot of time right now to process and heal. I was able to be there for my husband and kids, though that was about the extent of how much I could give to others. I barely felt like posting online. In fact, I’m really starting to re-examine my relationship with social media and how I want to proceed going forward.
My writing has shifted to be more internally-focused and I haven’t wanted to share as much with others. Navigating grief is tough. Healing hasn’t been linear and there have been days that are worse than others, but I think I’m doing OK since every day feels just a bit easier.
This month has been quite a free fall. But in the past few days, I’ve found myself looking in the mirror and seeing my almost-39-year-old face and saying, “Welcome back” because it feels like I’m just now getting out of my head a bit more and I can maybe be a presentable human in the world again.
And that includes writing for others again 🙂 so thanks for sticking with me and being patient with me as I try to show up for this blog and my audience persistently. And thank goodness March is over. Here’s hoping for a better April!
THIS MONTH’S BLOG POSTS
Sign up for my monthly newsletter for updates and new posts, including tips for independent creative podcasters! And don’t forget to follow me on Instagram to catch up between posts!
Enjoying Emily: Out Loud and want more? You can help by buying me a cup of coffee over at BuyMeACoffee.com/emilyprokop 🙂