I didn't originally intend for friendship to be a big theme of mine for 2021, but for a pandemic, I had a very full year of it!
I realized early in the year how much I was longing for past friendships that have dissipated or fallen by the wayside in recent years, even before quarantine and social distancing were in the picture.
This was one of the first times I know of in my life where I actively challenged myself to step outside my comfort zone of hiding behind my screen and to find people like me — and in a way that didn’t feel like I was bending over backward or pretending I was someone else or trying to act “normal” or make everyone like me (the impossible). I made some mistakes, of course. I even repeated a few until the lessons finally sank in. But I'm also proud of how I found strength and rebuilding in the process of getting back up from those setbacks.
Some lessons I learned along the way:
Feeling more confident in who I am has made weddings, holidays, and social gatherings less overwhelming and exhausting. I pay attention to my social battery during these events and have made my friend circle only include those I don't feel like I have to mask or tone myself down for.
Para-social relationships and communities CAN fill that void of loneliness! The chronic illness community is a great example of this. When I'm in bed with my Adeno, I have friends on IG a lot to talk to when no one else understands the toll unpredictable pain can put on us, not just physically, but mentally and socially as well!
Finding people like me and with similar values is a healthy thing. Being sure not to create an echo chamber is what keeps it healthy.
Not all friendships were made to last. Some people come into our lives, make a huge impact, but don't stick around. It's their choice to do so too and you can't force friendship.
I lost two friends who struggled with their mental health this summer. I truly hope those in my life who are feeling the weight of the world know how much they mean to me. I used to say suicide was selfish, but that was cruel of me and ignorant of the darkness folks who get to that point find themselves in. To anyone who needs to hear this, you are loved, seen, and worthy of a beautiful life 💜
Make those plans with those friends you keep putting off (safely of course!). And even if you can’t, don’t miss an opportunity to tell your friends how much they mean to you. Take note of the things you would miss if they were gone — how they smell, favorite phrases, preferences that make them who they are — these are the things I look back on now and pull from my memory when I'm missing those I don't see anymore to remember them.
Learning more about RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) and how it affects those with ADHD has helped me become more mindful of how my friendships and relationships can be affected.
Opening myself up meant becoming vulnerable to new people and constantly assessing my own comfort level. I know more of my boundaries and, more importantly, the reasons for those boundaries. As a recovering people-pleaser, I have a tendency to put others' needs before my own to the point of ignoring mine altogether. This is still a work in progress, but the more I learn those values and what I absolutely will and will not tolerate, I can make better decisions and create stronger and healthier boundaries going forward. Some of those boundaries include paring down my social media sharing. I stick with Instagram and use the block button with ANYONE who makes me feel uncomfortable in any way.
Listen to your gut about people. You don’t always have to trust it right away, but at least be open to those weird vibes you get from people. I’ve heard as you age, your intuition gets better. I think patterns become more and more noticeable, from my experience.
I learned that self-care and leaning into emotions is a powerful, constructive thing. I got to experience a falling-out completely sober instead of drinking it away as Past-Emily would have done. It was healthy and I learned to listen to myself and my needs in the process. Curiosity has been a fun way to dismantle some of the relationship programmings I held onto for so long, like the idea that my worth could be wrapped up in others’ opinions of me.
Find those that spark your joy and keep them close.
If you have followed me and been a part of my life this past year, you have been the spark that keeps me going and I can't thank you enough!
I know the dopamine rush of Likes and Views make some folks feel loved, but for me, it's the heartfelt messages and those who reach out and talk with me about the various things we are fascinated by. As much loss as I felt this year, there was so much love that seemed to swoop in quickly to help me process and deal with those feelings. Thank you, friends 💜
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