MY WORD OF THE YEAR WAS COURAGE. WHAT TOOK COURAGE THIS MONTH?
Seriously considering going to grad school and opening up to my partner about this little daydream.
“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear; The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.”
It’s been an inkling of a thought ever since graduating college, but I had a hard enough time finally deciding on a major in college that making a commitment to even higher education would mean finding something that I truly, truly wanted to go into tons of debt and give my precious time to.
Even writing that, I am amazed folks do this. I’m pretty sure ADHD is why I was never able to give a consistent answer to the question, “What do you want to do when you grow up?”
For a while, I told myself that I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up because back in the 1980s, no one had ever heard of a podcast. And maybe that’s true. But also, I’ve started questioning if I wanted to be in podcasting for the long haul and what that would look like.
I’ve been in the podcast education and editing business for four years now and I recently hit a new milestone in my business that has me now questioning what’s next. I had taken on some new clients and recently raised my rates. I was at capacity for myself and I knew if I wanted to grow my podcast editing business, the next logical step would be to scale and take on contractors and other editors.
I’d played with this before and it was fine for me, but I realized after a few years it wasn’t something I wanted to do long-term. I love the consulting side of podcasting and talking to other podcasters and once everything settles from onboarding my new clients, I hope to do more consulting. But the podcasting industry is getting more complicated and commercialized and, to be honest, I’m really tired of talking to folks who only want to know how to get sponsors for their podcast they haven’t launched yet.
That’s what led to a major podcasting burnout for me back in 2020.
This was in March of 2020 before the United States essentially shut down and commenced lockdown. I was on the brink of burnout and desperately wishing for a break from it all (yes, I see the irony of that sentiment now). I remember wandering around the podcasting conference Podfest, a podcasting conference, thinking “is that it for me? Is this even what I want to do?”
I spent the conference at an AirBnB with a few other podcast editors and I’m so grateful for those bonds made. I guess I didn’t realize how often I talk about my ADHD until one of my housemates lovingly said: “You talk a lot about ADHD, have you considered doing something with it?”
By the way, this was Sarah Mikutel and not only is she a phenomenal coach, I knew that as a podcast editor she was very keen to pick up on what folks like to talk about a lot. I’d played with Sarah’s question over and over again since but never took it further than a Google Search or two.
But whenever I reach another milestone in my business and start to think about what’s next, the thought of that statement keeps coming back to me.
Recently I took my 4-year-old for a nap-drive to dig deeper.
The habit of taking my son for nap-drives started when he was a baby and wouldn’t nap in his crib, but he had no problem napping in a moving car. I love them for my ADHD so I can satisfy my wanderlust and get lost in my thoughts and the gorgeous backroads of Connecticut.
Once my son nodded off and I was able to listen to something other than Blippi, I took a few deep breaths and followed Route 34 through Derby and along the Housatonic River. I realized at one point that I was looking at my business as linear and I had been feeling stuck because I didn’t necessarily like or want to take the next logical step in moving my business forward.
I was going through different scenarios and pivots in my head lightning quick, like my ADHD brain does.
This time, though, I wanted to slow down with these questions and see if I was missing something. Maybe those barriers I thought I had are changing or maybe I could find a way to work around them. All I knew was I needed to start focusing on what’s next, but I wanted to be intentional about finding that long-term goal.
I got to one of my favorite spots that overlooks the whole river from the end of a little cul-de-sac, put the car in park, and watched the clouds roll by for a while thinking of all the things I enjoyed learning and trying over the last few years, either business-related or outside of business.
There’s a meme that because of our purpose-driven brains, ADHDers can have a tendency to learn something new, and immediately want to find a way to make a business or side-hustle from it.
Even starting this blog, I have to remind myself that this is for my own creative expression and it’s to keep my love of writing alive, first and foremost. Writing is how I process and I love when I can get swept up in a writing flow.
In fact, one thing I wanted to use this blog for was finding what I liked writing about and focusing on the most. I knew that would give me an idea of what might be the next step for me.
I also knew that after my ADHD diagnosis 8 years ago, finding out more about my brain and how it works is something I've enjoyed learning about.
I have been looking for ways to talk more about that and explore it more, and mostly help others, especially those wondering if they are ADHD or neurodivergent in some way and asking me about my process of getting a diagnosis and getting help. It’s something I really enjoy deep-diving into and sometimes I’m even intimidated to write about because I want to talk about ALL THE THINGS!
I’ve looked into ADHD coach training, but I felt like it was too niched. I wanted something in between writing and researching ADHD broadly where I was and becoming too narrowly focused, it felt like.
I felt good getting to that stopping point of thought as I saw my son was starting to stir in the backseat and I’d need to get the car moving again to continue letting my mind wander in peace. As I drove down the street, I held onto the idea that ADHD may be a key.
And then, I’ll never forget turning a corner to head back home when the question, “What if I got letters after my name?” popped into my head. It was so random and actually laughable for a second. And I was quickly about to Swipe Left on that idea and then paused … why was I so quick to dismiss it?
I realized I had a ready-worn list of excuses of why pursuing grad school was a quick no that I just accepted as fact but hadn’t stopped to question in years. So I gave myself permission to think through them and just be curious.
First one was money. That’s a common theme in my life since my family is not what people would call “Connecticut Rich,” as many of the people I grew up around were. The pandemic has not made finances easier on our family either.
But that day I had been editing a podcast for one of my personal finance clients (Journey to Launch — go listen! It’s phenomenal!) and there was a part talking about taking on good debt like student loans that could lead to a better career with the ability to pay them back.
The next well-worn excuse was time. For the last few years, childcare took up a large chunk of my time. Now with vaccines and masks, there is more ability to have support and help with that, as well as in-person school again (thank you teachers! You don’t hear it enough ♥). There’s also the option of part-time enrollment. It might take longer, but it would be more manageable than full-time.
Then there was ability. I have ADHD and learning is hard! Going back to school at an older age is hard! But … wait. These thoughts were screaming at me but wasn’t my whole thing being able to learn and try new things and become proficient at things using my ADHD abilities and tools?
I also lucked out in having a friend with ADHD who also happened to be in grad school and I made a mental note to talk to her about it next time we spoke.
But once I began examining my excuses, I realized they weren’t as cut-in-stone as I previously thought. I found myself excited about this idea. It would also give me the ability to keep doing what I was currently doing but without feeling like I needed to continue on the “most logical path.” That “most logical path” wasn’t actually where I felt like I’d get joy.
I let the idea marinade in my brain for a while, letting myself get lost in daydreams about learning something new and working toward a bigger goal than I had ever allowed myself to imagine. This was the first time I seriously considered furthering my education since that one time my senior year of undergrad when my Media Law & Ethics professor saw how much I enjoyed debating in class and suggested I look into law school. I entertained that idea for a few days until my dad quickly reminded me I’d have to be the one to pay for it and once I realized the area of law I wanted to go into (First Amendment Law) was so niche, the idea lost its luster.
But this one didn’t. And even writing this days later, it has only gotten stronger.
I brought it up with Mark one night, just the fact that I was thinking seriously about it. I had learned a lot more about loans since working with so many personal finance professionals as their editor that I knew that taking on debt for higher education didn’t have to be a bad thing. When I brought it up to Mark, he was supportive and rightfully hesitant.
And that brings us to now, the end of February and I’m currently knee-deep in one of my friend’s MFT textbooks because systemic therapy is now my new Hyperfixation and I’m just going to roll with it!
What’s funny is the last time I allowed myself to dream this big about something I wanted to do, I learned how to roller skate at 38! Something I would never have imagined for myself.
I’ll be visiting a grad school open house next month. So far that’s the next step in this idea. And who knows! It might stop there or it might become a long-term goal. I honestly haven’t allowed myself to have any of those since the start of the pandemic.
So that’s why even thinking this much about grad school and letting my partner in life know took courage from me.
I saw a quote recently by Meg Cabot: Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear; The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.
I’m hoping this isn’t just a passing Hyperfixation, I really am. I have a little fear of that all the time knowing my ADHD. However this feels different. (Especially since MFTs are trained to diagnose and some even work with folks with ADHD, which I would love to be able to do on a professional level!) The idea of working in the field of mental health and being trained to be able to really help others, especially in a time when I feel like that’s what the world needs most, is something that obviously feels more important than fear.
We shall see 🙂
Courage in 2022
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